I made a little progress on the book yesterday; only another couple of hundred words or so, but progress is progress. I also started reading Colson Whitehead's The Underground Railroad yesterday (I am going to see him speak tomorrow night); the book is extraordinary, and I have a lot of thoughts about it already--despite only being half-finished. I may have to wait a few days after I finish reading it before I write about it, because it's something I am going to have to mull over and think about; not a blog entry I'll be able to just dash off the top of my head while I drink my morning coffee and try to wake up.
I did make it to the gym this morning for the first time in weeks (stupid Carnival) and I am very tired. I always feel better after I work out--until the endorphins wear off, anyway--and I really need to get back into a regular routine; I also need to start eating better and in a more healthy way. I realized during Carnival--as my feet, back, legs, knees, ankles, and hips all ached--that I DO need to get into better physical condition, and the longer I wait to get started on that the harder it will be and the worse things will get. My schedule is crazy, of course, but I do need to make time for self-care and doing things for me. I also realized, with a stunning shock of self-awareness, that I used to always think that I worked out and ate healthy in order to be healthy; looking better physically was just a lovely side-effect.
Obviously, the fact that I can't motivate myself to get to the gym regularly on my own and eat right proves that I was deluding myself all those years; and without the motivation of wanting to look good when I went out and to look good for Carnival and Halloween and Southern Decadence, as well as no longer doing the wrestling--in other words, as soon as it was no longer important for me to look good the motivation to go to the gym vanished.
It's a bit sobering to realize you were deluding yourself for a really long time, but I prefer being honest with myself, and it's better to figure these things out sooner rather than later--although I will say this was pretty late to figure this out!
So, this weekend I am going to commit to getting to the gym at least twice more a week. I've already started eating better--or trying to, at any rate--and while I don't think I'll ever get down to the lean 180 pounds I was ten or eleven years ago...I can probably lose twenty pounds.
Here's a shot of me eleven years ago.